Anyways ... moving on.
I'm stuck. I'm stuck in between the person I am, the person I want to be, and the person I can ideally achieve to be. After watching God's Not Dead for the second time, I got to thinking about how I would react if I were in the student's shoes. Something in my brain tells me "that's not your personality and you would never defy authority", but something in my heart tells me that I should stand up for the one who sent His son to die for my sins. I see myself as a pretty passive and relaxed person, but the person I want to be wants to stop letting people walk all over me. It's just as much my fault for letting them as it is them doing the act itself. The person I can ideally achieve to be ... well I'm still trying to figure out who I want that to be. That's where the crisis all comes in! I don't know what's worth putting in effort to change and what really matters. I know I need to change SOMETHING ... and I've figured out part of that. I need to change my surroundings. While Christians should not separate themselves from non-believers because that's who we are ultimately here to witness to, it is very hard to keep strong in one's faith when their support system is not strong. I go to church on Sunday mornings and even the young adults group on Sunday nights, but I can't count on one day a week to be my support system. The people I am constantly around are just negative and selfish people who definitely do NOT have my best interest in mind -- as they have shown time and time again. A simple "thank you" goes a long way; so do encouraging words; so does prayer; so does a clean and genuine conversation!
I love Sundays and I look forward to them every week, but I am not doing all I can do! I am not diving into the word daily; I am not thanking my Lord and Savior enough; I'm not worshiping with no reservations; He didn't forget to wake me up in the morning, I sure as heck shouldn't forget to take time out of my day to devote to Him! And that leads to my next point ...I shouldn't have to "take time out of my day" ... I should be living a life as such that everything I do is done for the glory of God! (Side rant: it is very frustrating to not even have a place that I can use for quiet time to really get closer to my Lord because I am automatically frustrated with the constant messes and screaming kids, so I'm sort of at a loss of where to go to really DO ME!)
My mind is constantly going a million directions at a time ... What do I wear today? What would I consider my style to be? I want to be more fashion oriented, but I know I couldn't pull THAT off, nor do I have the time to spend on getting ready. I want to cook dinner tonight, but I know others will have either a)eaten/thrown away/used the things I would have used or b)there will be some complaining (not because of my cooking, just because I'm surrounded by negativity) not to mention c)I don't want to clean up the space BEFORE i cook just to turn around and clean it up afterwards. I guess I'll buy lunch and dinner out ...again! More money (that I don't have) coming out of my pocket. I wish I could say no sometimes. I am going to say no next time I'm asked to go somewhere/do something that I have no interest in doing. Wait, I just agreed to do that again. I was going to say no. I guess I'm picking and choosing my battles, right? This constant battle sucks. I want to go workout today, but I'm just not motivated and I know something will be said ... back to the negativity. -- those are my thoughts...in the first five minutes of the day...and the process continues. I know this is the devil trying to keep me down, but I seriously just want to get back on track! I want to be on fire for God again; I want to be FIT again; I want to just be me. I want to figure out who me is and what I can do to better myself which will in turn better those around me. I want to not care what others think. (<--that one's a long shot, buddy!)
I am stuck. I'm stuck between wanting to better myself and actually bettering myself. I'm stuck between knowing I'm the daughter of the one and only God and the lies that satan fills my head with. I'm stuck with my surroundings and not knowing how to change them. That's my "first step". Now when do the other steps come into play? I'm ready. Waiting. Wanting. Yearning. Bring it!
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