Identity Crisis?

My name is Denise and I am in the middle of an identity crisis.  (Isn't identifying the problem the "first step"?)  Part of me wishes this was like an AA meeting where I could figure things out step by step, but the anonymous part is kind of silly when referring to identity crisis, right? Because you are trying to figure out who you are ... so staying anonymous would be hard? #FoodForThought

Anyways ... moving on.


I'm stuck.  I'm stuck in between the person I am, the person I want to be, and the person I can ideally achieve to be.  After watching God's Not Dead for the second time, I got to thinking about how I would react if I were in the student's shoes.  Something in my brain tells me "that's not your personality and you would never defy authority", but something in my heart tells me that I should stand up for the one who sent His son to die for my sins.  I see myself as a pretty passive and relaxed person, but the person I want to be wants to stop letting people walk all over me.  It's just as much my fault for letting them as it is them doing the act itself. The person I can ideally achieve to be ... well I'm still trying to figure out who I want that to be.  That's where the crisis all comes in!  I don't know what's worth putting in effort to change and what really matters.  I know I need to change SOMETHING ... and I've figured out part of that.  I need to change my surroundings.  While Christians should not separate themselves from non-believers because that's who we are ultimately here to witness to, it is very hard to keep strong in one's faith when their support system is not strong.  I go to church on Sunday mornings and even the young adults group on Sunday nights, but I can't count on one day a week to be my support system.  The people I am constantly around are just negative and selfish people who definitely do NOT have my best interest in mind -- as they have shown time and time again.  A simple "thank you" goes a long way; so do encouraging words; so does prayer; so does a clean and genuine conversation!

I love Sundays and I look forward to them every week, but I am not doing all I can do!  I am not diving into the word daily; I am not thanking my Lord and Savior enough; I'm not worshiping with no reservations; He didn't forget to wake me up in the morning, I sure as heck shouldn't forget to take time out of my day to devote to Him!  And that leads to my next point ...I shouldn't have to "take time out of my day" ... I should be living a life as such that everything I do is done for the glory of God! (Side rant: it is very frustrating to not even have a place that I can use for quiet time to really get closer to my Lord because I am automatically frustrated with the constant messes and screaming kids, so I'm sort of at a loss of where to go to really DO ME!)

My mind is constantly going a million directions at a time ... What do I wear today? What would I consider my style to be? I want to be more fashion oriented, but I know I couldn't pull THAT off, nor do I have the time to spend on getting ready. I want to cook dinner tonight, but I know others will have either a)eaten/thrown away/used the things I would have used or b)there will be some complaining (not because of my cooking, just because I'm surrounded by negativity) not to mention c)I don't want to clean up the space BEFORE i cook just to turn around and clean it up afterwards. I guess I'll buy lunch and dinner out ...again! More money (that I don't have) coming out of my pocket. I wish I could say no sometimes.  I am going to say no next time I'm asked to go somewhere/do something that I have no interest in doing. Wait, I just agreed to do that again.  I was going to say no.  I guess I'm picking and choosing my battles, right? This constant battle sucks.  I want to go workout today, but I'm just not motivated and I know something will be said ... back to the negativity. -- those are my thoughts...in the first five minutes of the day...and the process continues.  I know this is the devil trying to keep me down, but I seriously just want to get back on track! I want to be on fire for God again; I want to be FIT again; I want to just be me. I want to figure out who me is and what I can do to better myself which will in turn better those around me. I want to not care what others think. (<--that one's a long shot, buddy!)

I am stuck. I'm stuck between wanting to better myself and actually bettering myself. I'm stuck between knowing I'm the daughter of the one and only God and the lies that satan fills my head with.  I'm stuck with my surroundings and not knowing how to change them. That's my "first step".  Now when do the other steps come into play? I'm ready. Waiting. Wanting. Yearning. Bring it!

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top 10 reasons to not date me.

Yep! That's right ... Don't date me. Please.  In all reality, I don't want to date you either. Sorry I'm not sorry. I guess this deserves some explanation? Ok, here goes. This is not, however, a "bucket list" ... It IS, in fact, a list of goals that I will acheive at some point or another, and I don't need you to get in the way of that. If you would like to tag along, we can possibly make arrangements.

10) I haven't traveled enough yet.  While I've been to 19 of the 50 US states and London, I still haven't seen all I've wanted to see. I haven't backpacked through Europe yet, or seen where my family is from in Mexico and Jordan. I haven't seen the beauty of Thailand in anything other than pictures. And I haven't lived in Africa for a year teaching kiddos and living their life.

9) I am not educated (enough). I don't have my doctorates yet, but I will.  The thing with my profession is I can't even begin getting my masters for what I want until after my third year teaching. I need (and WANT) more education. Even though I'm in my own classroom daily, I'm itching to be on the learning side again.

7) I don't have a published book yet. I don't even have a rough draft yet. I honestly don't have an idea of what to even write about. But I love literature. I love the way reading takes you to another world. I want to open that world up for someone else.

6) I'm a pushover. I would like to blame it on the fact I don't know how to stand up for myself, but in all reality I choose not to. I would take the weight of the world on my shoulders if that saved someone else from feeling an ounce of pain. I let people walk all over me. I shouldn't, but I do. So I need to find that fine line of sticking up for myself and not caring what others think and do.

5) I don't care where we eat. I'm not just saying that because I don't want to choose. I'm just not a picky eater and if  going to your favorite restaurant makes you happy, then let's go! I'm indecisive sometimes, and that question is just pressure... So you can choose!

4) I'm a grammar nazi. I know online chatting and texting is an informal way of communication, but improper spelling and comma use may be a deal breaker. You're and your are different. So are there, their, and they're. Because if you're over there with your friends, they're in great company, right? It's a big deal.

3) I'm competitive. It's in my nature. While the Bible says for wives to submit to their husbands (granted that husbands are loyal to their wives), quite frankly I want to see what you're made of first! If you cook a mean steak, I will try to out cook you, indeed. If you are outside throwing a football with your buddies, I will want to throw it better. I can't help it, its my athletic nature. If you prove time and time again you can take a challenge, then I'll consider submitting, but prove it first.

2) I haven't seen Star Wars. Nor do I have the desire to. I haven't seen a lot of classic movies which will explain why I will not understand a lot of life references and jokes. And I'm okay with that. It also takes a lot for me to force myself to sit still for about two hours to watch a movie. I would rather be outside hiking or fishing or just gazing at the stars.

And finally...
1) I care too much. I will jump in whole heartedly in everything that I do. If it's a relationship, friendship, job, or hobby, I'm all in. I want to be great at line dancing, and playing my saxophone, and making sure all my kids know they are loved and that I believe in them, and worshipping the man upstairs, and writing, and traveling. I want to be the best me I can be before you get the best me I can give you. So if you're up for a journey of making memories in this thing we call life, then let's start living it! But if you're going to try to change my mind or alter my plans, no thanks. These things have made me (and will make me) the ultimate prize of a deserving man of God. So wherever you're hiding, don't feel pressured to come out anytime soon, because quite frankly I don't need you to.

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What you do (and don't ) know ...part 4!

I probably should have titled today's post "pity party" ... so here's my disclosure: if you're easily offended, stop reading now. Let's start by saying I urban dictionaried the term hopeless romantic, and after that created a youtube playlist of songs that would contribute to my pity party...and now here I am! 


What you DO know ... 
Heartbreak SUCKS!

What you don't know... 
Well I don't even know the answer to this question, but is it even possible to find such happiness again? I understand the whole "If you'll let happiness in again, then yes it is posssible" but in all reality, loving without any reservation (again) seems out of the question. Now PLEASE don't get me wrong, I don't need or want you back in my life to be happy, I simply want the feeling I once had to happen again, hopefully stronger, and definitely with someone who I'm not settling for. Lady A says it best in their song Ready to Love Again, because I am in fact ready to love again, but I'm not going to settle, no way!


What you DO know... 
Music speaks when words can't.

What you don't know ... 
We all have different tastes in music, and we find that a song 'speaks to us' when we seem to need it most, but here's another question for ya! Does it really happen? Like when Luke Bryan (yummm) talks about knowing she was the one after the first night sitting on a tailgate, or when Billy Currington talks about his small town girl conquering the night ... does that really happen????? It's such a sweet love story we yearn for it to happen, but I guess if we're yearning for it then maybe that's why it's not happening? I don't know!!!! But I do know I want a one of a kind, "awww", story too ... I mean what gal doesn't? 


What you DO know... 
It's easier to recognize what we don't want than it is to figure out what we do want.

What you don't know ... 
I've figured out what I do AND don't want (...sort of). While the 'don't' list was much easier, the 'do' list is just as important. Also, neither of these lists would necessarily disqualify someone, maybe they disqualify me for being so ... picky . Just to name a few: I DON'T want someone who is lazy, I DO want someone who is driven, hardworking, and while athleticism shows non-laziness (and is very much preferred), someone who is goal oriented is definitely someone I would need not only to push and encourage me, but quite frankly to keep up with me!  I DON'T want someone who is self-absorbed, I DO want someone who will compliment me as a person as well as grow our relationship together and grow our relationship with Christ.  Regarding relationships (friendships in particular) I DON'T want someone who is simply pretending.  There are so many times when I really reached out and opened up to some that not only shut a door in my face, but slammed it, and slammed it hard and apparently locked it because it hasn't been opened since. I DO want someone who may be placed in my life for a reason or a season to actually stay for a lifetime.  I would bend over backwards for any one of my friends, give you the shirt off my back, despite the fact that you wouldn't do the same, I just can't help but feel frustrated.


What you DO know...
Clearly I'm in this hopeless romantic stage ...

What you don't know ...
It leads to a lot of questions regarding self-worth.  While other people's opinions and actions should not determine a person's self-worth, let's be real -- it definitely does!  Questions of why I've never been a part of someone's special moments whether it's a wedding, birthday, new job, and so on, but I'm the one they call when they need help with something/when crisis strikes?  It sucks.  It just plain sucks.  I know I'm a pushover, but I give you the opportunity to not push me over, and when you do, I sure do expect you to at least help me back up, but (much to my dismay) that's not the case.  And please don't think my sometimes "negative nancy" attitude is anything more than carrying the world on my shoulders not only for me, but for you, and you, and you, and you, and it sometimes takes a toll on one, believe it or not, especially when the ones you count on walk out of your life and slam that door.




I also understand that putting my trust in worldly things, such as other people, and not on the man upstairs leads to these feelings of heartbreak and hopelessness, but I also realize God sends people into one's life when it's the right timing, and also removes them, but here's my pity party; take it or leave it ... I have!

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