I can't stand it! I can't stand the fact that I let people influence so many of my decisions and then leave me to deal with the repercussions by myself. I can't stand the fact that I constantly let people walk all over me. Being nice is a curse sometimes. I can't stand the fact that people judge a book by it's cover without even trying to read the story. I just can't stand it!
There was a description a friend gave me about a month ago that when we have a problem, God is stretching out His arms saying "I've got this ... just hand it to me ... come on ... just give it up and I'll take care of it!" This image stuck in my head and it hit me last night that too often our relationship with God is like that of a Cobbler (a "shoe fixer"). In most cases, we try to fix things ourselves and then when we "give up" and hand it to our heavenly father, then the only thing that we've done after He takes control, is put ourselves through unnecessary pain. If we compare our trialing times to our relationship with a Cobbler, it looks something like this: the sole of my shoe is coming apart. I know my shoes aren't necessary, but they do make things a little more do-able and comfortable. I think instead of taking it to a Cobbler (who is a professional and has the proper tools and knows what he's doing) I'm going to super glue the broken part myself, and then just go on my merry little way. Guess what happens a few weeks later? Your shoe breaks, and now your shins hurt because you've been walking on broken shoes. So now you have to make the decision to try and fix it again, throw it away, or take it to the professional. When you take it to the Cobbler, who fixes it quickly and efficiently, you have a shoe that is fixed, but could have been fixed weeks ago. And often times, it's a little better than the original because it's got a little extra to it. Why do we superglue our problems for a temporary fix when we know we need to take them to the professional in the first place? Instead of handing over my worry and anxiety to the professional, I try to convince myself it's not there and super glue it myself. In time, it comes back to hit me ten times harder, and then I choose to take it to the one who could have fixed it in the first place, but I was too stubborn and selfish.
Sometimes I find myself using superglue, then taking my shoe to a mechanic, then finally to the Cobbler. I rely on the wrong sources which put me in a place of hurt and then the Cobbler has to undo someone else's work (because that's not their expertise) and then do his. Why do I put myself through turmoil that could be avoided in the first place? I can't stand it! I'm sick and tired of letting other people's choices and decisions for my life determine what I do. Everything I do should be because I want to do it, not because someone else has influenced me in some form or fashion. I want a backbone. I want to stand on my own two feet. I want to stand up for myself. I want to be the person I was made to be. I want to hand my broken shoe to the cobbler the first time, even though I know it will cost me because I guarantee you the cost I pay up front is nothing compared to what will come back to me later. Maybe we don't take our brokenness to the professional first because we know it is going to cost something. Well, that doesn't really make too much sense because in the end we pay more because we had to pay for temporary fixes along the way. Why are we so quick to take our car to a mechanic and not tamper with things first? What is so different about a shoe? Is it because a car is more convenient and comfortable? Our shoes protect us. They allow us to get from one place to another. They often are even a status symbol. You can tell a lot about a person by the shoes they are wearing. So why do we wait? I can't stand it anymore. I don't want to wait. I want to give it up the first time and save myself from my heart and head hurting. I want to save myself from paying more in the end by trying to do things myself in the first place.
This past week it has really hit me that I just need to let go and let God. God is holding this big present in His hands and He's shouting to me, "Put down what you have so I can hand you this!" I can't receive what He has for me until I put what I'm trying to hold onto down first. It's like having a handful of bubblegum and someone offers you a candy bar. You can try to balance the candy bar on top of the bubblegum, but how are you going to open it and enjoy it? By putting down the little pieces of bubblegum and opening what's bigger and better. I can't stand it when I refuse to put down MY problems because I'm trying to fix them first and then hand them over to the professional. And who gets to determine that the problems were MINE in the first place? ME? Well that's not working out too well for me, so this is me laying it all down. Giving it up to the one who has His hands stretched out and begging me to give it all to Him because not only does He have the proper tools, but He also has that giant gift with polka dot wrapping paper and a big red bow that He just wants to hand to me. I need to put down the itty bitty box that is so tattered and torn that a big red bow wouldn't even make it look appealing again which will allow me to accept the actual big red bow gift.
I can't stand the fact that I am the one hindering myself from letting go. I want to change. I want to make a change. I just can't stand it.
This absolutely nailed what I have been going through for the past few months now!!! I talked to God about how messed up my head has been, and how I didn't "cast my cares" on Him initially, but instead talked to others... Could have saved myself a lot of hassle by going to the Cobbler first....
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