Labels have their place ... you aren't one of them!

Labels are ah-mazing.  One of my favorite things that I own is my label maker.  Everything has it's own place, and that makes me smile.  While pinteresting (yes, that's a real word) last night, I searched "organization", and my screen was quickly filled with label after label after label ... and it was awesome.

   Labeling my classroom and my students' work is necessary.  Labeling my kitchen, pantry, and closet was pretty fun. Labeling the label maker was actually the highlight of my night. Labels clearly have their place, yes? I shouldn't be one of them though.  I came across a post-collegiate-athlete-slump blog that reminded me of the fact that DOING what I do does not make me who I am.  Any ex-collegiate athlete that has now entered the real world of grown-up land should seriously go read this ... STAT!  http://onceandalwaysanathlete.com/

   Too often, I define myself by what I do.  In college, I didn't just play volleyball, I labeled myself as a volleyball player (despite the fact that I was also an honor student, an RA, a waitress at a local restaurant, a babysitter, the best joke teller in the world, a friend, a music lover, a music maker, a daughter of the king, a lifeguard, a sister, daughter, aunt ... the list could go on forever). I chose the most dominant (and time consuming) label and stuck it to myself.  When I graduated, I quickly replaced the athlete label with a new one.  I soon became a kindergarten teacher (even though I am also a swim instructor, an iced coffee addict, a YMCA membership services person -- what is my official title? -- a wino, a technology guru, an even funnier joke teller, a blogger, a church lover, an aunt, sister, daughter ... again, the list goes on and on.) It's easy to take the most time consuming thing that we do and tell ourselves, and others, that's who we ARE. Yes, I teach kindergarten. But when I tell you "I am a kindergarten teacher", you miss out on the big heart I have to offer, the corny jokes I could tell you, the fact that I work 3 jobs and love being around people. The salt and sugar containers NEED labels. If my iced coffee is salty, I may cry. My closet appreciates labels ... it's easier to get ready in the mornings. My life, however, could afford to lose the labels altogether.  What I think of myself is portrayed to others and how they view me.  I have goals, dreams, and likes that are just as much a part of me as teaching is.

   I want to have brunch dates with friends (brunches are pretty baller. kind of like sporks. they're baller too. yes I'm indecisive and like the best of both worlds). I want to travel ... more! I want to read another good book.  I want to volunteer with middle school kids. I want to not hate working out.  I want to like red wine, too.  I want to do a mud run. I want to take a class. I want to find a Netflix series to be addicted to. I want to wear a skirt and braid my hair every. single. day. I want to make picture captions lyrics from an unfamiliar song.  I want to play my saxophone and go swing dancing. I want someone to ask me who I am and I want to respond with something other than what consumes most of my time.  I want to shop at local markets and ditch the franchises. I want to be me AND be comfortable in who I am.

Thanks for reading, you crazy people. Until next time ...

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I can't be you ... I'm too busy being me!

WOW! This was a week full of revelation for me. I finally realized (somewhat) my "worth".  

Worth (n): usefulness or importance, as to the world, to a person, or for a purpose. (thanks dictionary.com)

Matthew 10:29-31 ESV
Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? And not one of them will fall to the ground apart from your Father. But even the hairs of your head are all numbered. Fear not, therefore; you are of more value than many sparrows.

Luke 12:6-7 ESV
Are not five sparrows sold for two pennies? And not one of them is forgotten before God. Why, even the hairs of your head are all numbered. Fear not; you are of more value than many sparrows.

I'm sure you've heard that you should pick a penny up if it's on the ground heads up because it's lucky.  I believe that the only reason a tails up penny on the ground is unlucky simply because someone didn't pick it up and now it has to stay there.  Thank goodness God doesn't look at us like a tails up penny on the ground.  In the book of Matthew, we are told that TWO insect eating, noisy flocking, untidy birds are sold for a penny -- a heads up or tails up penny.  Doesn't it seem crazy to you that Jesus seemed to be the only one who really cared for them sometimes?  Doesn't it seem crazy to you that Jesus seems to be the only one who really cares for us sometimes?  When we fall short of the glory of God and are tails up on the ground, our heavenly father does not look down at us and leave us there simply because we are 'unlucky', He does one of two things.  He either picks us up and puts us back on the path we strayed from; OR he flips us over to be heads up and sends someone at the perfect time to pick us up.  If we were just a penny, we would be worth a couple of filthy birds, but Luke tells us that we are worth so much more than a penny.  We are worth so much more than a few birds.  We are worth so much more than we could ever imagine... but why?

I've had an eye opening week this past week and I thank God for flipping me back to heads up and sending wonderful people to pick me up.  I was able to hold my own, in a sense.  People who I initially met and thought, "Wow, they are smart. I'm going to hold my tongue so I don't sound like a complete and total idiot" actually opened my eyes to a world I was blind to. I was not afraid to voice my opinion and share my experiences, but I was also not afraid to take in their wisdom and build from it.

The dictionary of Denise defines "smart" as such:
smart: (adj) catching onto and building off of concepts quickly and effortless
How did she even know that answer? She is so smart.

The dictionary of Merriam-Webster defines "smart" as the following:
smart: (adj) very good at learning or thinking about things; showing intelligence or good judgment; causing a sharp stinging
That was a smart investment.

The Bible defines smart as ... wait a minute! The term "smart" is non-existent in the Bible. 

I have never in my life considered myself to be a very smart person (based on the dictionary of Denise definition).  Some things came naturally and effortlessly, but I still continued to better the effortless things to make them even better than they were.  This week, part of my wake-up call was ditching my definition of the word because that was tearing me down. The Bible doesn't even use the terminology "smart", so why exactly was I wanting to fit into a mold of something that doesn't really exist in my father's eyes?  I am, in fact, very good at thinking about things and showing good judgment, which makes me somewhat "smart" according to the published dictionary.  Miriam-Webster's definition also points out that SMART people cause sharp stinging, and in that case I don't even want to be in the smart category.

A conversation this week brought up new thoughts on living as if we are mimicking Christ's image. Was our heavenly father "smart"? Did he show good judgment and was good at thinking about things? (Keep in mind that He was and is the judge and He provides and directs our thoughts.)  Does He cause hurtful, painful, sharp stings? I personally don't think the Messiah's goal was to be smart, so why was that my goal?

Everything that has been placed in my path thus far and will continue to be placed in front of me (obstacles and celebrations alike) are building and shaping me into the person my God wants me to be.  Yes, I will fail. I will end up tails up on the ground. But I have no doubt that He is going to pick me up and show me that the few sparrows that I feel I am worth is such a skewed view. When I am picturing a few sparrows, a penny, the cheapest metal tails up on the ground, He isn't even picturing a gold coin, the finest metal of all. My Lord, thankfully, is picturing fruit. We all know that fruits differ from vegetables because they have seeds. God pictures us as fruit and leads us to moments to spread those seeds. He will water them. He will give them His light. We must sow the seeds of the fruit He is giving us. We can't take copper or gold through those gates made of pearl, but our fruit-filled hearts (our loving, joyous, peaceful, patient, good, kind, self-controlled hearts) will be the perfect key to open the gates. I'm worth so much more than a definition that is honestly a worldly concept and very much based on people's opinion. I'm worth so much more than a few sparrows. I'm even worth more than gold. I am being given the opportunity to grow and sow, and if I really embrace the fact that I am in fact good at thinking and making good judgment, then Miriam and Webster could tell me "job well done". If I'm being honest though, I would rather my heavenly father look at my heart and say "job well done". Miriam and Webster can't unlock those gates made of pearls, but growing and sowing fruit will make that key more attainable.  There will be days I will continue to feel like a penny tails up on the ground.  There will be days I will also feel like a penny heads up on the ground. I'm looking forward to the days where I feel like the finest piece of fruit. God's apple a day keeps the devil away!

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I CAN'T STAND IT!

     I can't stand it! I can't stand the fact that I let people influence so many of my decisions and then leave me to deal with the repercussions by myself.  I can't stand the fact that I constantly let people walk all over me.  Being nice is a curse sometimes.  I can't stand the fact that people judge a book by it's cover without even trying to read the story.  I just can't stand it!

     There was a description a friend gave me about a month ago that when we have a problem, God is stretching out His arms saying "I've got this ... just hand it to me ... come on ... just give it up and I'll take care of it!" This image stuck in my head and it hit me last night that too often our relationship with God is like that of a Cobbler (a "shoe fixer").  In most cases, we try to fix things ourselves and then when we "give up" and hand it to our heavenly father, then the only thing that we've done after He takes control, is put ourselves through unnecessary pain.  If we compare our trialing times to our relationship with a Cobbler, it looks something like this: the sole of my shoe is coming apart.  I know my shoes aren't necessary, but they do make things a little more do-able and comfortable. I think instead of taking it to a Cobbler (who is a professional and has the proper tools and knows what he's doing) I'm going to super glue the broken part myself, and then just go on my merry little way.  Guess what happens a few weeks later? Your shoe breaks, and now your shins hurt because you've been walking on broken shoes.  So now you have to make the decision to try and fix it again, throw it away, or take it to the professional.  When you take it to the Cobbler, who fixes it quickly and efficiently, you have a shoe that is fixed, but could have been fixed weeks ago.  And often times, it's a little better than the original because it's got a little extra to it.  Why do we superglue our problems for a temporary fix when we know we need to take them to the professional in the first place?  Instead of handing over my worry and anxiety to the professional, I try to convince myself it's not there and super glue it myself.  In time, it comes back to hit me ten times harder, and then I choose to take it to the one who could have fixed it in the first place, but I was too stubborn and selfish.

     Sometimes I find myself using superglue, then taking my shoe to a mechanic, then finally to the Cobbler.  I rely on the wrong sources which put me in a place of hurt and then the Cobbler has to undo someone else's work (because that's not their expertise) and then do his. Why do I put myself through turmoil that could be avoided in the first place?  I can't stand it!  I'm sick and tired of letting other people's choices and decisions for my life determine what I do.  Everything I do should be because I want to do it, not because someone else has influenced me in some form or fashion.  I want a backbone.  I want to stand on my own two feet.  I want to stand up for myself.  I want to be the person I was made to be.  I want to hand my broken shoe to the cobbler the first time, even though I know it will cost me because I guarantee you the cost I pay up front is nothing compared to what will come back to me later.  Maybe we don't take our brokenness to the professional first because we know it is going to cost something.  Well, that doesn't really make too much sense because in the end we pay more because we had to pay for temporary fixes along the way.  Why are we so quick to take our car to a mechanic and not tamper with things first?  What is so different about a shoe?  Is it because a car is more convenient and comfortable?  Our shoes protect us.  They allow us to get from one place to another. They often are even a status symbol.  You can tell a lot about a person by the shoes they are wearing.  So why do we wait?  I can't stand it anymore.  I don't want to wait.  I want to give it up the first time and save myself from my heart and head hurting. I want to save myself from paying more in the end by trying to do things myself in the first place.

     This past week it has really hit me that I just need to let go and let God.  God is holding this big present in His hands and He's shouting to me, "Put down what you have so I can hand you this!"  I can't receive what He has for me until I put what I'm trying to hold onto down first.  It's like having a handful of bubblegum and someone offers you a candy bar.  You can try to balance the candy bar on top of the bubblegum, but how are you going to open it and enjoy it?  By putting down the little pieces of bubblegum and opening what's bigger and better. I can't stand it when I refuse to put down MY problems because I'm trying to fix them first and then hand them over to the professional.  And who gets to determine that the problems were MINE in the first place? ME? Well that's not working out too well for me, so this is me laying it all down.  Giving it up to the one who has His hands stretched out and begging me to give it all to Him because not only does He have the proper tools, but He also has that giant gift with polka dot wrapping paper and a big red bow that He just wants to hand to me.  I need to put down the itty bitty box that is so tattered and torn that a big red bow wouldn't even make it look appealing again which will allow me to accept the actual big red bow gift.

I can't stand the fact that I am the one hindering myself from letting go. I want to change.  I want to make a change. I just can't stand it.

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[insert title here ...]

This is one of the hardest posts I've had to write thus far.  Not really sure of a title because there is no "theme" in this one ...but some very important things happening my way.   I typed "goals quotes" into Google and when I looked at the images for a little inspiration as to where to even begin, I found this picture...and it is definitely worth a thousand words.  Right before a dear friend sent the reminder of you only fail if you don't get back up, she really sent something that I needed to hear, even though it would sting for days later.  When the words popped up on my screen, it really hit me that I "can't run from adversity, I have to face it!" She told me to stop blaming someone else for my decisions and own them....learn from them, don't make then again, and move forward.  This was something I needed to hear more than she knew, because that's exactly what I was doing.  I was wallowing around in this self-pity party where I was the hostess, and the only guest, and I was ready to call a cab and get out!  When I met her and her family 5 years ago, I never would have fathomed the idea that our relationship and friendship would be that of which I would depend on so heavily.  But I am constantly reminded that "God knows what He's doing after all," and He sure sent the crutch I would soon lean on.  She is such a wise woman and I am blessed for our paths crossing years ago.  She also made a statement months ago that also made this picture stand out.  She told me that I couldn't be half of a whole, until I was a whole half ... and she encouraged me to be the best ME I could be ...not for someone else, but for myself.  Making me a better me is the toughest, but most needed thing to do.  I can't thank you enough for yours and your family's unconditional love for each other, and for me.

Wow! Okay ... where to segue from there?  I finally was able to meet up with a friend this week.  While we were sitting at a coffee shop downtown, I realized how important her friendship to me is.  We may have not known each other forever and ever and ever (yet), but her love for others and for God and her sweet spirit is contagious!  She is someone who you just WANT to be around and someone who is a great listener!  I just feel so blessed these days ...even with a semi-chaotic life most of the time, here lately it seems as if things are starting to look up.  Once I finally let doors shut that needed to be shut, bigger and better doors are being opened.  And we even talked about ripping off bandaids so healing can begin, so here's to a friendship that I can tell is for a reason.

And I don't even know where to begin this one.  When I first started teaching, a co-worker invited me to church.  I was new to the area and was looking for a church, so it was perfect timing!  Little did I know how wonderful of a woman she really is, but I know now how beyond amazing she is!  She knew when to leave encouraging notes and scriptures on my desk and she knew when to send a short message letting me know she was thinking of/praying for me ... but I don't think she knew how much of a blessing it was when she introduced me to her daughters.  They are amazing women with so much love and compassion, and one of them challenged me to write down one of the hardest things I have ever had to think about.  She has been on my heart for a while now, and I reached out to her just to send a little encouragement when I had no idea she would be challenging me to "become a better me" (ties in to the beginning of this post ... hmm maybe that's the theme?).  She gave me homework Sunday night and told me to have it written down by the time we would meet up for lunch later this week.  I've been enjoying my time at the pool this week with the beautiful weather and summer break, and have had PLENTY of time to think about this assignment.  That makes it even harder.  Her instructions were to write down any goals I have.  Wow! Sounds simple, right? WRONG!  Her statement after she said to write down goals that I have was along the lines of most of the time we have a dream and we push it aside because it seems out of reach or unlikely to happen, but if we have a goal, then we are turning our dreams into reality because WITH HIM ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE!  Told you it was harder than it seemed!  So here is my writing of goals... *insert deep breath here* (and exhale).

1)  I want to change the face of education.  I am a kindergarten teacher with many who do, but a select (and important) few who don't, believe in me as an educator.  My goal is to not only prove them wrong, but to prove to myself that I can do it.  I want to work my way up to a job in administration that will allow me to better the lives of students and educators and the only thing not on my side -- is time.  I know I have to have more education (which takes time and money), and I know I have to, in general, let time run it's course and teach me more life lessons.  Quite frankly, I know I can't do anything to change time, so I will do everything in my will to change what I can and push myself to do this.

2)  I want someone to want me to want them, not someone who needs me to need them. I want to find the guy who is currently bettering himself with his relationship with Christ and working hard in his career and getting himself to the better him he can be while I make myself the better me I can be and when we find each other we WANT each other's company, we don't need it.  My goal here is to find someone who compliments me and who I can compliment as well, to put myself out there, make myself available, all while staying guarded ...and definitely not settling for less than I deserve.

3)  I want to travel the world!  I want to go to different countries, different states, different counties and meet people, experience culture, and take in God's beauty from every angle.

4) I want to stop putting my faith in the world and in people, and really focus on my relationship with the man upstairs.  I really want to be able to worship without reservation and read the good book and be able to relate it to my life.  I want to have faith so strong it can't be shaken, and I want to share my love with others.  Music does something indescribale to me ...whether it's the radio or playing an instrument, it just does something almost paralyzing and rejuvinating all at the same time -- so maybe that's something to look into? Maybe it's time to form a clear dream and make it a goal ...and achieve it.

5)  I want to be fit and healthy again.  I know this takes dedication and commitment, but it's time for me to stop playing the blaming game and own up, right?  I've joined a former teammate in the Herbalife journey, and I'm hoping this is the first stepping stone to a healthier life which will soon lead to a more confident me.

Okay, so now I have 5 goals listed ... I am officially being held accountable.  It will be hard.  Everything in life worth something is hard, because if it were easy, everyone would have achieved it, right?  Here's to making moves! Feel free to make up a title, I'm going to go with "A whirlwind of emotions, thoughts, dreams, goals, and advice".

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Identity Crisis?

My name is Denise and I am in the middle of an identity crisis.  (Isn't identifying the problem the "first step"?)  Part of me wishes this was like an AA meeting where I could figure things out step by step, but the anonymous part is kind of silly when referring to identity crisis, right? Because you are trying to figure out who you are ... so staying anonymous would be hard? #FoodForThought

Anyways ... moving on.


I'm stuck.  I'm stuck in between the person I am, the person I want to be, and the person I can ideally achieve to be.  After watching God's Not Dead for the second time, I got to thinking about how I would react if I were in the student's shoes.  Something in my brain tells me "that's not your personality and you would never defy authority", but something in my heart tells me that I should stand up for the one who sent His son to die for my sins.  I see myself as a pretty passive and relaxed person, but the person I want to be wants to stop letting people walk all over me.  It's just as much my fault for letting them as it is them doing the act itself. The person I can ideally achieve to be ... well I'm still trying to figure out who I want that to be.  That's where the crisis all comes in!  I don't know what's worth putting in effort to change and what really matters.  I know I need to change SOMETHING ... and I've figured out part of that.  I need to change my surroundings.  While Christians should not separate themselves from non-believers because that's who we are ultimately here to witness to, it is very hard to keep strong in one's faith when their support system is not strong.  I go to church on Sunday mornings and even the young adults group on Sunday nights, but I can't count on one day a week to be my support system.  The people I am constantly around are just negative and selfish people who definitely do NOT have my best interest in mind -- as they have shown time and time again.  A simple "thank you" goes a long way; so do encouraging words; so does prayer; so does a clean and genuine conversation!

I love Sundays and I look forward to them every week, but I am not doing all I can do!  I am not diving into the word daily; I am not thanking my Lord and Savior enough; I'm not worshiping with no reservations; He didn't forget to wake me up in the morning, I sure as heck shouldn't forget to take time out of my day to devote to Him!  And that leads to my next point ...I shouldn't have to "take time out of my day" ... I should be living a life as such that everything I do is done for the glory of God! (Side rant: it is very frustrating to not even have a place that I can use for quiet time to really get closer to my Lord because I am automatically frustrated with the constant messes and screaming kids, so I'm sort of at a loss of where to go to really DO ME!)

My mind is constantly going a million directions at a time ... What do I wear today? What would I consider my style to be? I want to be more fashion oriented, but I know I couldn't pull THAT off, nor do I have the time to spend on getting ready. I want to cook dinner tonight, but I know others will have either a)eaten/thrown away/used the things I would have used or b)there will be some complaining (not because of my cooking, just because I'm surrounded by negativity) not to mention c)I don't want to clean up the space BEFORE i cook just to turn around and clean it up afterwards. I guess I'll buy lunch and dinner out ...again! More money (that I don't have) coming out of my pocket. I wish I could say no sometimes.  I am going to say no next time I'm asked to go somewhere/do something that I have no interest in doing. Wait, I just agreed to do that again.  I was going to say no.  I guess I'm picking and choosing my battles, right? This constant battle sucks.  I want to go workout today, but I'm just not motivated and I know something will be said ... back to the negativity. -- those are my thoughts...in the first five minutes of the day...and the process continues.  I know this is the devil trying to keep me down, but I seriously just want to get back on track! I want to be on fire for God again; I want to be FIT again; I want to just be me. I want to figure out who me is and what I can do to better myself which will in turn better those around me. I want to not care what others think. (<--that one's a long shot, buddy!)

I am stuck. I'm stuck between wanting to better myself and actually bettering myself. I'm stuck between knowing I'm the daughter of the one and only God and the lies that satan fills my head with.  I'm stuck with my surroundings and not knowing how to change them. That's my "first step".  Now when do the other steps come into play? I'm ready. Waiting. Wanting. Yearning. Bring it!

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top 10 reasons to not date me.

Yep! That's right ... Don't date me. Please.  In all reality, I don't want to date you either. Sorry I'm not sorry. I guess this deserves some explanation? Ok, here goes. This is not, however, a "bucket list" ... It IS, in fact, a list of goals that I will acheive at some point or another, and I don't need you to get in the way of that. If you would like to tag along, we can possibly make arrangements.

10) I haven't traveled enough yet.  While I've been to 19 of the 50 US states and London, I still haven't seen all I've wanted to see. I haven't backpacked through Europe yet, or seen where my family is from in Mexico and Jordan. I haven't seen the beauty of Thailand in anything other than pictures. And I haven't lived in Africa for a year teaching kiddos and living their life.

9) I am not educated (enough). I don't have my doctorates yet, but I will.  The thing with my profession is I can't even begin getting my masters for what I want until after my third year teaching. I need (and WANT) more education. Even though I'm in my own classroom daily, I'm itching to be on the learning side again.

7) I don't have a published book yet. I don't even have a rough draft yet. I honestly don't have an idea of what to even write about. But I love literature. I love the way reading takes you to another world. I want to open that world up for someone else.

6) I'm a pushover. I would like to blame it on the fact I don't know how to stand up for myself, but in all reality I choose not to. I would take the weight of the world on my shoulders if that saved someone else from feeling an ounce of pain. I let people walk all over me. I shouldn't, but I do. So I need to find that fine line of sticking up for myself and not caring what others think and do.

5) I don't care where we eat. I'm not just saying that because I don't want to choose. I'm just not a picky eater and if  going to your favorite restaurant makes you happy, then let's go! I'm indecisive sometimes, and that question is just pressure... So you can choose!

4) I'm a grammar nazi. I know online chatting and texting is an informal way of communication, but improper spelling and comma use may be a deal breaker. You're and your are different. So are there, their, and they're. Because if you're over there with your friends, they're in great company, right? It's a big deal.

3) I'm competitive. It's in my nature. While the Bible says for wives to submit to their husbands (granted that husbands are loyal to their wives), quite frankly I want to see what you're made of first! If you cook a mean steak, I will try to out cook you, indeed. If you are outside throwing a football with your buddies, I will want to throw it better. I can't help it, its my athletic nature. If you prove time and time again you can take a challenge, then I'll consider submitting, but prove it first.

2) I haven't seen Star Wars. Nor do I have the desire to. I haven't seen a lot of classic movies which will explain why I will not understand a lot of life references and jokes. And I'm okay with that. It also takes a lot for me to force myself to sit still for about two hours to watch a movie. I would rather be outside hiking or fishing or just gazing at the stars.

And finally...
1) I care too much. I will jump in whole heartedly in everything that I do. If it's a relationship, friendship, job, or hobby, I'm all in. I want to be great at line dancing, and playing my saxophone, and making sure all my kids know they are loved and that I believe in them, and worshipping the man upstairs, and writing, and traveling. I want to be the best me I can be before you get the best me I can give you. So if you're up for a journey of making memories in this thing we call life, then let's start living it! But if you're going to try to change my mind or alter my plans, no thanks. These things have made me (and will make me) the ultimate prize of a deserving man of God. So wherever you're hiding, don't feel pressured to come out anytime soon, because quite frankly I don't need you to.

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What you do (and don't ) know ...part 4!

I probably should have titled today's post "pity party" ... so here's my disclosure: if you're easily offended, stop reading now. Let's start by saying I urban dictionaried the term hopeless romantic, and after that created a youtube playlist of songs that would contribute to my pity party...and now here I am! 


What you DO know ... 
Heartbreak SUCKS!

What you don't know... 
Well I don't even know the answer to this question, but is it even possible to find such happiness again? I understand the whole "If you'll let happiness in again, then yes it is posssible" but in all reality, loving without any reservation (again) seems out of the question. Now PLEASE don't get me wrong, I don't need or want you back in my life to be happy, I simply want the feeling I once had to happen again, hopefully stronger, and definitely with someone who I'm not settling for. Lady A says it best in their song Ready to Love Again, because I am in fact ready to love again, but I'm not going to settle, no way!


What you DO know... 
Music speaks when words can't.

What you don't know ... 
We all have different tastes in music, and we find that a song 'speaks to us' when we seem to need it most, but here's another question for ya! Does it really happen? Like when Luke Bryan (yummm) talks about knowing she was the one after the first night sitting on a tailgate, or when Billy Currington talks about his small town girl conquering the night ... does that really happen????? It's such a sweet love story we yearn for it to happen, but I guess if we're yearning for it then maybe that's why it's not happening? I don't know!!!! But I do know I want a one of a kind, "awww", story too ... I mean what gal doesn't? 


What you DO know... 
It's easier to recognize what we don't want than it is to figure out what we do want.

What you don't know ... 
I've figured out what I do AND don't want (...sort of). While the 'don't' list was much easier, the 'do' list is just as important. Also, neither of these lists would necessarily disqualify someone, maybe they disqualify me for being so ... picky . Just to name a few: I DON'T want someone who is lazy, I DO want someone who is driven, hardworking, and while athleticism shows non-laziness (and is very much preferred), someone who is goal oriented is definitely someone I would need not only to push and encourage me, but quite frankly to keep up with me!  I DON'T want someone who is self-absorbed, I DO want someone who will compliment me as a person as well as grow our relationship together and grow our relationship with Christ.  Regarding relationships (friendships in particular) I DON'T want someone who is simply pretending.  There are so many times when I really reached out and opened up to some that not only shut a door in my face, but slammed it, and slammed it hard and apparently locked it because it hasn't been opened since. I DO want someone who may be placed in my life for a reason or a season to actually stay for a lifetime.  I would bend over backwards for any one of my friends, give you the shirt off my back, despite the fact that you wouldn't do the same, I just can't help but feel frustrated.


What you DO know...
Clearly I'm in this hopeless romantic stage ...

What you don't know ...
It leads to a lot of questions regarding self-worth.  While other people's opinions and actions should not determine a person's self-worth, let's be real -- it definitely does!  Questions of why I've never been a part of someone's special moments whether it's a wedding, birthday, new job, and so on, but I'm the one they call when they need help with something/when crisis strikes?  It sucks.  It just plain sucks.  I know I'm a pushover, but I give you the opportunity to not push me over, and when you do, I sure do expect you to at least help me back up, but (much to my dismay) that's not the case.  And please don't think my sometimes "negative nancy" attitude is anything more than carrying the world on my shoulders not only for me, but for you, and you, and you, and you, and it sometimes takes a toll on one, believe it or not, especially when the ones you count on walk out of your life and slam that door.




I also understand that putting my trust in worldly things, such as other people, and not on the man upstairs leads to these feelings of heartbreak and hopelessness, but I also realize God sends people into one's life when it's the right timing, and also removes them, but here's my pity party; take it or leave it ... I have!

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#22yearsofdenise

     That's right! Switching it up from what you do (and don't know) on the night before my birthday! (I will probably look back ten years from now and think "Did I really think that? OH. MY. GOSH!", but for now I will live in the moment) ...so here is my "wisdom". [I also stole the hashtag from Zandi and Erin who are Catawba alum and I really liked it, so thanks (= ]

     I'm writing with a lot of emotion, some good, some not so good, but nevertheless it's pretty strong! So here goes .... Let's start with my biggest pet peeve.  Sometimes I think it's when someone is smacking gum in my ear (and this thought normally takes place when someone is smacking gum in my ear), and sometimes I think it's when people are "know it all's" (whether they do or don't know anything at all ... cockiness is a huge thumbs down!), but in all reality, it is when people lie to me.  You don't have to earn my trust. (WOAH! Did she just say what I think she said?) That's right.  Trust comes with the package of: me!  You don't have to earn it, but trust and believe once it's broken -- it's done for!!!!!  There are times I think to myself that maybe I should just lower my expectations and then I won't be as disappointed.  If I am told "I'm going to blahblahblah tomorrow after work", then shame on me for fully expecting you to blahblahblah tomorrow after work.  It does not need to be followed with "I promise!", it automatically comes across as an unspoken promise.  And when time and time and time and time again you don't follow through, you are not only lying to me, you are showing me how much you value me as a person.  So from here on out I will highly doubt much of anything you say, and therefore will not put as much effort into something that is clearly not important to you at all. You are a selfish human being who is not worthy of all I have to offer, but me having the big tender heart that I do, will continue to give you chance after chance, hoping you will prove me wrong ... but this time this big tender heart will simply go into each situation doubting what you said is actually true (because if it actually happens -- then it'll be a good surprise)!

     So I guess the wisdom from a 22 year old is simply: You can't fully trust anyone, but instead of avoiding people thinking their automatically an enemy ... give a chance, or two or three, but each time guard your heart more and more until your brain and your heart finally agree that you deserve more than what you're settling for (because you know deep down inside you are in fact settling).  We've all heard the saying "forgiven but not forgotten"; for me , though, it is in fact forgotten (in time) to the point to where I can't tell you exactly what happened and when.  But even though it has been forgotten, my instincts tell me NO and without hesitation I follow them. Those "gut feelings"/"God speakings" are more than a hunch, they are the bars that have been built around my heart to guard me.

     I'm going to finish up my night lesson planning and listening to the Lion King station on Pandora and wake up to another year full of laughter, tears, lessons, mistakes, and hopefully more wisdom.

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What you do (and don't) know ... part 3!

Today I have loved my job more than any other day.  Now don’t get me wrong – I absolutely LOVE what I do; and even on my worst days, I couldn’t imagine being anything else/doing anything else. But today it hit me that I really do love what I do.  If someone asked me to SHOW you how much I love someone/something, I couldn't.  How would I?  I can try to describe everything about it that is great, I could try to hug someone, but that doesn’t show LOVE, that just shows reasons that led to love.  So if you asked me to show you how I know I love what I do, I couldn’t, but I darn well will try.

 

What you do know:

Today was a great day.

 
What you don’t know:

So the kinder teachers, our literacy coach, and our AP are all doing a book study on the book Word Solvers by Michele Dufresne.  It is about making sense of letter sounds and building words and what not -- pretty much how to better our ways of teaching the kiddos how to read.  I led the discussion today and was more in my element than I have ever been (considering my "audience" was over the age of 10...).  I showed up with a half sheet 1-minute task to complete, and then followed it with a 30 minute Prezi (I love Prezis!), and then brought it all back to the task in the beginning.  When The 6 person audience applauded me at the end and said "Wow! You did great!", the rest of my day was set!  I was confident.  I was happy.  I was doing what I love, and I felt as though I had rocked out! So that was number one of happy today. Then came number two.  My babes have been working on phoneme segmentation (I say the word "cat" they tell me the sounds are "c"/"a"/"t"and they aren't allowed to see the word) ... and we have been struggling hardcore.  Well I did a mini lesson, gave some examples, felt like I was repeating myself, and then gave them some words to practice ... and they more than blew me out of the water!  One of my kiddos (who couldn't tell me A made the /"a"/ sound YESTERDAY) gave me the correct sounds on every. single. word. today! I was ECSTATIC! (I even tried to trick them with words that have "sh", "ch", "th", "wh", and "magic/silent e" words ...and they got them!) YAY! Numero tres: the kinder team met after school today. We compared our data to see where we needed to guide our instruction.  We are doing beyond what we ever could have imagined and are making GIANT steps! (1st grade teachers-we're trying!) Good things come in three, right? =D

 

 

What you do know:

I don't watch much television.

 

What you don't know:

When asked the common question "What is your favorite TV show?" I normally don't have an answer.  I love watching some shows (Criminal Minds, The Voice, Golden Girls, Hollywood Game Night) ...BUT I don't watch them religiously.  I was never a big TV watcher because I was always busy and rarely home long enough to watch anything (nor did I have the patience to sit still long enough), but here recently I'm addicted. What show you might ask? The news. (WXII to be exact!)  I wake up in the morning and it's on in the background while I'm getting ready. I get home and get things ready for the night and next day, and it's on in the background. I'm addicted.  Can't get enough.  I have no idea why.  Normally it's full of negativity.  I started watching it in the mornings to find out what the weather was going to be like for the day so that I could dress accordingly, and then became semi-attached to the stories. Now don't get me wrong. Some of the things on the news do not interest me one bit, BUT some things are really informative.  And as a teacher, it's good to know what's going on out there so that I can answer a question one of the kiddos might have.  I decided to make a very mature decision last week and go to work when I knew the WXII crew was at the local park all day. That was a tough decision, but I decided to be responsible. Yup, it's official. I'm growing up. I no longer rush home to watch Rocket Power or Lizzy McGuire, I rush home to listen to Wanda Starks and wake up early so I can get the D-L from Austin Caveness. Hello adulthood. (hello adult bills and adult responsibilities too =/)

 

 

What you do know:

We all want to be rich.

 

What you don't know:

We have heard time and time (and time and time and time) again that money is not necessarily what makes someone rich.  Friendships, relationships, an education, things we cherish are what make us "rich" because that's what we invest in.  I 100% agree with this, but how do I explain that I want to look rich? I do have relationships, friendships, strong faith, things that I cherish and people I have invested in that no doubtedly make me a "rich" person. But how do I look rich? How do I get to the point of a stranger looking on from the outside that thinks to themselves "She's got it all together"? Well, I guess the answer is: I don't.  I don't have it all together.  I would like to portray myself as having it all together, but in all reality I don't.  I would like to think I am a fairly smart person, but if I walk into a situation with no confidence, then it doesn't matter how much I know, I am automatically the weakest link.  I would like to think that  someone I have never met can look at me at any given moment and think "She has got it going on!", but in all reality, I more than likely have glue in my hair, my shoes probably have paint on them, my hair is probably in a pony tail, and the day's makeup is slowly but surely fading (and it may have been left over from the day before). I would like to think that I'm not just treading water as the person who falls asleep on top of the covers at 10pm with work clothes still on after a long day at two jobs. I'd like to think I can keep afloat without looking disheveled, but let's be real ... sometimes I feel as if I would lose my head if it weren't attached. But it doesn't matter whether or not I put two different shoes on, if I notice my watch battery is dead halfway through the day, or if I have yesterday's makeup on, because I am rich indeed.  I have a God who loves me.  I have a family and friends who would do anything for me.  I have 20 babies who hang onto every word I say.  And I have an education that will open doors for me that I don't even know exist.  So to that stranger looking in: I may be treading water, but I'm sure you'll need a swim lesson or two at some point in your life.

 

What you do know:

I love the news.

 

What you ...probably know:

It's almost time for the news to come on. So I'm going to wrap things up for the night and get to watching my favorite TV show! You rock for reading this :) ta-ta-for-now!

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What you do (and don't know) ... part 2!

I was recently asked the question: "How was your day?" Ok, no big deal ... this gets asked fairly often and normally a simple "Pretty good!" would suffice, but this time was a little different.  When I replied with "I'm exhausted, so it must've been good, right?" answer, the question that followed took a minute for me to respond.  The question of "Did you teach them anything new today?" would normally receive the response of DUH! They learned 10 more numbers, 5 new words, read a new book, wrote a new story, AND learned how butterflies became butterflies ... of course they learned something new! But that wasn't the answer this time.  As I reflected on what I was really teaching my babies on a daily basis, I sort of came up with an answer that was pretty fitting.  Because no, 4 of my kiddos still don't know the new words I taught; and no, 2 of my kiddos still hold a book upside down; and (believe it or not) no, some of the precious little ones still don't realize butterflies don't just randomly give birth to a new butterfly.  BUT I am teaching them to love learning.  In all reality, if they were so engaged in the activity of cutting and pasting caterpillars, eggs, and butterflies to their favorite color of construction paper that they truly couldn't wait to come back the next day to finish it, then I felt pretty accomplished.  If they still can't tell me that the word and is indeed the word and, but get up front and center of the class to lead the chant of the day (which is simply singing A-N-D-AND over and over again) and beg to lead again the next day, then I feel pretty good. When a child loves to learn, their eyes light up.  When their eyes light up, they ask questions.  When they ask questions, they get answers.  When they get answers, they feel more confident.  When they are confident, they are more apt to do it all over again.  So I answered the question of "What did you teach today?" with a simple "I'm working on each and every child to leave my classroom with questions for the next day because they simply love learning."


What you do know:
Some of the best leaders know when to follow.

What you don't know:
At a very young age, I was put into leadership positions that were out of my control because I "possessed leadership qualities".  At the age of 9, I was the lead pianist for my dad's church, as well as a Sunday school teacher for 3-5 year olds.  At the age of 12, I was a team captain for two different teams.  At the age of 17, I was a team captain, an editor for the school newspaper, "president" of three clubs, and put together a production for the community that raised money for breast cancer awareness.  At the age of 20, I was the Aquatics Programming Assistant at the YMCA (in charge of lifeguards/swim instructors), Head Resident Advisor (in charge of other Resident Advisors), and I was on the leadership team for Fellowship of Christian Athletes and Kappa Delta Pi Honor Society.  At the age of 22, I am struggling.  Yes, I am the leader of my classroom, but it has definitely not been an easy journey.  Some of the best leaders know when to follow, right?  Well my first year of teaching has been extremely difficult to let other people (who have learned the ropes) take control of meetings and plan events.  I feel as though I haven't yet been given the opportunity to let my leadership show.  But I'm working on it!  I am getting more involved in a church that I LOVE, I am leading next week's book study for the Kindergarten teachers, I am helping run an event or two at school, I am back to playing volleyball with friends and am stepping up on the court.  I now understand that following may be difficult at times, but it is really eye opening as to how to take strategies and tips from others who are leading and apply them to when I do get the opportunities I have been waiting for.


What you do know:
I'm a fairly quiet person.

What you don't know:
It's because I try to do everything possible to not offend anyone.  I would rather bite my tongue, go home and shed some tears at night, and get up the next day and give you a great big hug when I see you, than to ever tell you that I'm hurting, offended, or even miserable.  I would bend over backwards, give you the shirt off my back, drive to pick you up at 4am 2 hours away and give you a place to crash indefinitely for just about anyone, no matter how many times you have hurt me.  Yes, I am just as much at fault for letting people walk all over me as they are for doing all the walking, but in all reality, it's just who I am.  My mother worded it perfectly over the phone yesterday.  She said, "You go into any relationship fully trusting that the other person is going to do the right thing.  But slowly, when their decisions lead to that trust dwindling down little by little, you are left with none.  And trust is one thing that is very hard to repair once it's been broken."  She is absolutely right!  She described trust one time as being similar to a bundle of sticks.  When the first stick is taken from the pile, the pile is still pretty strong.  It more than likely still can't be broken.  Once another stick is taken from the pile, the other sticks bend much easier, but it's still pretty strong.  Each time a stick is taken from the pile, the pile becomes weaker and weaker until eventually, the last stick snaps!  That stick can always be glued back together, but the glue will eventually wear off.  It can be taped back together, but the tape will lose it's stickiness.  It can be stitched back together, but it's never quite the same.  One or two punches might knock the wind out of us, but we will eventually stand back up and keep on truckin'.  But when we are being kicked while we're still down, now that's hard to recover from.  When we get up, we will be hurting.  We will probably be able to walk again, and from the outside no one else will even know we were just lying on the ground gasping for air.  But in that moment we were gasping for air, we realized that we can avoid the awful feeling and just steer clear of the one knocking us down and lean towards the one who was reaching their hand out to pick us up each time. Friends knock the wind out of us every now and again.  It is inevitable.  They take a stick from the bundle and toss it far away.  But true friends, don't do it on purpose.  And they sure as all get out don't keep doing it over and over again.  And they most definitely do not kick us while we are down, they are the ones reaching out their hands telling us to get back up and that the sting will stop shortly.  They are the ones who sense states away that something may be up and just randomly send a message.  They are the ones who seemed to have taken a stick out of the bundle when life threw them a couple of lemons.  But they took that stick to use as a bat and sent those lemons flying the other way.  They took that stick and found a bigger one and sent it back to you making that bundle stronger than it ever was.  They are the ones worth investing time in, not the ones kicking you while you're down.  So my quietness?  It's not being stuck up.  It's trying to not hurt you.  It's trying to not take your stick.  It's taking one of my sticks from the bundle and handing it to you because you seemed to need it at that moment.  It may be all I have to give you, but I'll give it to you in a heartbeat without ever expecting to see it again.  That quietness ... that's wheels turning in my head what I can do at that moment to be what you need me to be when you need me to be it.


What you do know:
I love my babies and they love field trips.

What you don't know:
(well you probably do know) ... I'm absolutely exhausted from exploring with the little ones today, so I reckon it's time to change into some comfy clothes, maybe go splurge on a smoothie, and go find some sticks to add to my bundle.  Thank you for taking time out of your day to read this. ta-ta-for-now!

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What you do (and don't) know!

     I'm sitting on the corner of "should I start my own blog (again)?" and "should I just keep following a very relatable blog of a friend?", when all of a sudden the car--no, the truck--that drove through the puddle of "just do it" splashes me in the face giving me just the answer! The friend's blog: Lucy's Inspiration.  The truck splashing me in the face: Sarah Kay's Inspiration.  So there it is.  My inspiration.  My motivation.  Now my part: dedication.  Here we go!

What you do know:
I teach kindergarten.

What you don't know:
My "class" is not a just group of students eager to learn, we are a family.  When I refer to any of my kiddos, they are my babies.  The foundation of the rest of one's education? Kindergarten.  You want to be a doctor? Great! Who taught you how to write? (even though it's not too legible once you become a doctor) It was your kindergarten teacher.  You want to be an NFL player? Awesome! Who taught you how to read that contract you had to sign?  Your kindergarten teacher. You want to be an architect? Wonderful! Who taught you those shapes and the basics of measuring that you'll be needing? Yep, your kindergarten teacher.  But I am so much more than a reading, writing, know your shapes person.  I am a whole lot of "blow your nose in this", "tie your shoes so you don't fall", "please shut the door when you go to the bathroom", "why are you walking down the stairs backwards" with a touch of math, reading, writing, science, and social studies here and there.  I personally think the best thing about sarcasm with six-year-olds, is the fact that they don't quite understand it.  So when the boy who reads on a second grade level in kindergarten asks me what he should do with the strawberries I just handed him, and I reply with "I don't know, stare at it until it starts talking to you I guess", and he sits at his desk puzzled and begins to eat his strawberries, it's simply comic relief.  But when the same smart boy who reads on a second grade level in kindergarten starts to get upset because "mom doesn't have the money for the field trip", somehow $12 magically shows up.  And even though his teacher may have had to skip out on her fancy coffee for a few days, she wouldn't miss seeing him smile and getting to learn with his friends for anything in the world. And no, we do not take naps.  We do not have time for that.  Asking a kindergarten teacher how long they actually teach after naptime, recess, and lunch is actually pretty offensive! (and the answer to the question is: 0 min for naptime, 15 minutes for lunch - 10of which they are getting through the line, and 15 for recess; so my "breaks" consist of 30 minutes of non-instructional time and a 2 minute bathroom break -- IF I'm lucky!)  Oh! I forgot to mention ... did you know that someone I once called a "best friend" told me that I would never be able to teach kindergarten?  She told me that I didn't have the personality, patience, or skill set to teach kindergarteners.  And did you also know that (my first year teaching) out of my class of 19 students, 15 of them are leaving me in just a few short weeks reading ON or ABOVE grade level? And that the same 19 students came in knowing a few letter names, but NO letter sounds? And the 4 that aren't there yet made improvement since day 1?  And did you also know that a student of mine told me he wanted to be a kindergarten teacher when he grows up because "you taught me everything I know and I love coming to school!"? Yeah, when people try to put me down, it's more than bittersweet to more than prove them wrong!



What you do know:
I went to a Division II school.

What you don't know:
I turned down full rides to Division I schools and chose to attend a school that was not only in Forbes (again), but used MY FACE in the published article! Forbes loves Catawba  What you may look at face value would be a small school who isn't as good as D1 schools.  What you are missing is the fact that I chose to have the community feel throughout my four years at Catawba.  What you're also missing is the fact that while I played volleyball at a DII school, every spring we gave other D1 schools a run for their money and even took home the victory.  How?  Because we had heart.  Because we had fun.  And because we didn't let the "small school" mentality hold us back.  We had something to prove.  And we did. Time and time again.  I bet you also didn't know that on top of being a student athlete, I not only majored in Elementary Education, but I also minored in Psychology, was a leader for both Fellowship of Christian Athletes and Kappa Delta Pi (an honor society for education), was a West Scholar (which consisted of an application and interview process AND provided many opportunities outside of NC), was a member of three honor societies, was a Head Resident Advisor, and had a part time job.  So when you want to throw in my face that you had to work hard for all that you've accomplished, trust me when I say I've walked a few miles in your shoes. Choosing a small school was important to me because I wanted to be successful in my field and I sought out the best education with the perfect classroom sizes and most amazing professors for me.  So please, when you turn your nose up at me because I went to a DII school, I still earned my degree while juggling this and that for years. And I can't forget to mention that Catawba led me to some amazing friendships that will forever be a part of who I am.  Also, (not that I'm political in any way, shape, or form), but the governor of North Carolina is also a Catawba alum ... which holds my alma mater to some sort of high standard, right?



What you do know:
I'm painfully shy reserved.

What you don't know:
When asked if I could have any profession in the world other than my current one, my answer? A motivational speaker. Yep, this gal-who is terrified of getting in front of a group of people who are over the age of ten-has a life goal of being in front of a large crowd making people laugh and making people fall in love with why they do what they do all over again.  I have noticed that a few of my babies are very similar to me with their "please don't call on me because I'm afraid I'm wrong" faces.  My solution? Letting them share their ideas with a partner FIRST, which gives them confidence and/or a different perspective on the assignment.  So here is my "sharing ideas" portion that will [hopefully] lead to fulfilling a life goal.  I also have a goal of finishing a triathlon, backpacking through Europe, and publishing a book (I have no idea what about yet) -- but those will have to wait for now.


What you do know:
It's almost 1am.

What you don't know:
It's about 4 hours past my bedtime, so I'm going to call it quits for the night.  Thank you times a million for taking time out of your day to listen to me rant.  There will be more to come, I promise, just not at 1am.  So ta-ta-for-now my friends!

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